It happened again. My grief game of Chutes and Ladders found me in a decent position. Lately, I had managed to avoid several chutes, even climbing a few ladders. Oh, I landed on some small slides now and again, but I soon worked my way past them. Then, unexpectedly, I arrived at the big one; the chute that drops almost all the way down to the bottom.
May has been difficult for me the past few years as it holds my wedding anniversary along with other memories that make it hard to want to go on without my husband. I hate the word “widow,” but I would probably hate any word that signifies the state of aloneness that comes with the death of one’s spouse. Thankful to have May behind me, I thought things would start looking up.
Some while before Bob passed away, he was trying to thin down his wallet. He gave me a couple of gift cards he had been carrying around, knowing they wouldn’t take up much room in my purse. “Besides,” he declared, “I’m usually with you anyway, and you will have them if I need them.” Those gift cards have traveled from purse to purse, but I have had them ever since he gave them to me to hold. The one to a restaurant has never been used; however, there was only a partial amount left on the one for Home Depot.
My neighbor and I went to lunch a couple of weeks ago. I planned on purchasing some potting soil after we were finished. I remembered the gift card to Home Depot; since we were in the same parking lot, I decided to go there. As I was standing in line to make my purchase, I pulled the card out of my purse. The longer I stood there, the harder it became for me to let go of this reminder of my husband.
When I finally made it to the cashier, I handed him the gift card and asked him to check the balance. I wanted to make sure there still was one; after all, I had been carrying the card for over six years. There was enough to take care of most of my purchase. I paid the rest and walked away with my cart. The cashier never offered to give me the card back (and I really didn’t need it). All of a sudden, I felt devastated. It was all I could do to contain the deep sobbing that was welling up inside of me.
I managed to cover my emotions as I dealt with my purchase and that of my neighbor, who had gotten a couple of bags of mulch for her yard. I drove to a different store, as each of us needed some grocery items. That’s when I couldn’t hide my grief any longer. My friend asked me if I was okay, and I told her, “No,” recounting what had happened. I felt silly being so heartbroken over a used-up gift card that wasn’t even mine to begin with.
Having lost her husband a little over a year ago, my neighbor knew how much even small things can affect the journey through grief. “It’s like giving up another little part of them,” she stated. I was grateful she understood.
I should be thankful (and I am) for the partial funding of my purchase. Given a choice to do it over, I am sure I would use the gift card to pay for what I bought. However, days later I was still struggling with a period of profound grief. Another tie to my husband, however small, was broken. Something that seemed tangible, although not substantial in any way, was no longer there. And my heart was broken again (or should I say, still).
This whole grieving thing is a mixed bag of tricks. I want the pain to go away, yet when it lessens, I feel as if I am losing something precious. In reality, what I want to hang onto is already lost. I want to be whole again instead of feeling like a half trying to function as a whole; yet I am reluctant to relinquish my status as a wife, even though I know it is already gone.
Several years ago, I began attending a group made up of individuals like me – they have lost their spouses. We have a pitch-in dinner each month, followed by entertainment. I had a couple of casserole recipes I have wanted to try; this past week I prepared them for my contribution to our group dinner. They both turned out well, so I am sharing the recipes!
Turkey-Noodle-Poppyseed Casserole Recipe
1 (8-ounce) package medium-size egg noodles, uncooked
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
4 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3 cups milk
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon poppyseeds
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon red pepper
3 cups diced cooked turkey
1 (4-ounce) jar diced pimientos, drained
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain well, and set aside.
Sauté onion and green pepper in butter in Dutch oven until tender; add flour, stirring until smooth. Cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. Gradually add milk; cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until thickened and bubbly. Stir in noodles, 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, poppyseeds, salt, red pepper, and turkey; add pimientos, and stir gently.
Spoon mixture into a lightly greased 12-by-8-by-2-inch baking dish. Cover and chill 8 hours. To bake, remove from refrigerator, and let stand at room temperature 30 minutes. Bake, covered, at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with 2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese. Bake, uncovered, an additional 10 minutes or until thoroughly heated.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings.
Ham and Vegetable Cobbler
1/4 cup butter
5 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2-1/2 cups milk
1 cup chicken broth
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
2 cups diced cooked ham
1 (16-ounce) package frozen sweet peas and carrots
1 (12-ounce) package frozen broccoli
1 (14.1-oz.) package refrigerated piecrusts (I used homemade)
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Melt butter in large saucepan over medium heat. Gradually whisk in flour; cook, whisking constantly, 1 minute. Add milk, broth, and thyme; cook, stirring constantly, 6 to 8 minutes or until thickened and bubbly. Stir in ham and next 2 ingredients; cook until mixture is thoroughly heated. Spoon into a lightly- greased 13-by-9-inch baking dish.
Unroll each piecrust on a lightly floured surface. Cut into 1-1/4-inch-wide strips. Arrange strips in a lattice design over ham mixture.
Bake at 425 degrees for 40 minutes or until crust is browned and filling is bubbly.
Yield: 6-8 servings.